we have officially mastered the walk of shame
and she was petting her beer can
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
