What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
