It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
