i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
