life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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