people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
