we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
