Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
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