guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
