Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
