yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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