This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
