Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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