During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fuck appropriateness.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I touched a dick in church today
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
