Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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