he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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