your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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