just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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