Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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