Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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