my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
