I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
