God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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