you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
