i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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