and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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