you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
