Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
