I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
3 2 1 whiskey
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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