does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
