So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
not ubering you a puppy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
