So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
