Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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