you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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