you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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