From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
