my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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