when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
