dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
