i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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