my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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