I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Houston, we have a blender
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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