Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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