Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
