butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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