Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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