if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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