nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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