I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize