Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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