i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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