Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
