Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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