I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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