u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
