I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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