God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
