My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
