Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
