I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
