i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
