god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
