So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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