i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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