dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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