Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
