I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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