what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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