So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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