I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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