I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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