Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
