Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
