1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
