My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Small penises have feelings too.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
