oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
