id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
